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Big changes here at Tower Bell Towers, Get Outa Bed Division, Technical Recordation Department. New transcription devices have been installed (I got a new computer). And you just can't imagine the logistical problems which must be overcome. For example, the computer comes with these little speakers which emit annoying yet high fidelity sounds at apparently random intervals. And talk about technical glitches, one of them sits right where I normally put my beer! Well, I was about to toss the offensive little thing over my right shoulder, killing two birds with one stone so to speak, when one of the technicians (wife) came over and gave me several high-tech solutions as to what I might do with the beer and the speaker. One of the printable ones was to put a coaster on the speaker. It now looks kind of cute, like a speaker wearing a little hat. All is well again. Last issue I said I was going to continue that tedious patio article with another yawnfest, this time about decks...excuse me, getting kind of sleepy already. But you know, I didn't actually say I was going to put it in the very next issue. And besides, it was Donna Evridge who requested this turkey, and she's not even here any more. So who could possibly care? So let me bop on down to The T.B. Communications Center and from one of the many bags of Get Outa Bed mail, randomly pull out...the letter that came in this month. Hmm. Appears to be a complaint. Seems I don't go into enough detail to allow a person to actually complete the project I'm writing about. Well duh! Of course I don't. I'm a lawyer for cryin' out loud! If I were to give step-by-step instructions, someone foolish enough to follow them would discover the gross inaccuracies I spew out month after month. They would then reflect upon the deep pockets of the Tower Bell Publishing empire , followed by: lawsuit. Move over O.J. Hard Copy will have new interests to pursue. Tower Bell kingpins and their cronies won't be taking those pricy 2 hour lunches any more. Robert Shapiro doesn't come cheap. Anyway, let's see. This guy's got a request too. Wants me to write about...decks. First, you need a building permit, about $40 most counties around here. You'll have to present them with a scale drawing of the deck and the house or townhouse, and you need a copy of the plat so they can see if you're too close to the property line (15 feet in most places in Virginia). Setbacks from the front will vary, usually around 35 feet, and there's often no setback in the back. Most counties have free handouts that tell you everything you need to know. First work step, and the worst, is to dig the footings. In this area (Northern Virginia) footings need to be 16" x 16" and 24 inches deep. This is where the 4x4 or 6x6 posts will go that hold up the deck. The distance between the posts will be determined by the size of your joists. Check your county handout. So figure out where you want them, taking aesthetics into consideration, get out the pick and shovel, and dig the holes in the proper places. Then call the inspector who will come out the next day to make sure the holes are deep enough and in the proper places. When this has been ok'ed, you need to put 8" of concrete in the holes. Quick Crete is fine. When the concrete hardens, you could put in the posts and kick dirt around them, but even pressure treated wood in contact with the soil will rot in about 10 years (of course if you're selling the house soon...). So the better method is to buy some cardboard tubes, like Sonotubes, to use as forms and mix up some more Quick Crete and in effect pour concrete posts up to ground level. Before the concrete has hardened, stick a bolt or specially designed post holder ($2) into the still wet concrete so the post will have something to secure it to the concrete footer. Now the fun begins. You must attach the ledger board to the house so that the decking that will sit on top of it is one inch below the door that leads out to the deck. This ledger board is attached to the house using 3/8 x 4 inch lag bolts that will go into the wood that holds up the floor of the house. The lag bolts should be staggered one near the top of the ledgerboard, next one near the botton and so on. They should be spaced 16 inches apart or whatever your county requires. Now you can nail the end joists to the ends of the ledger board and to the corner posts. Now nail a joist across the front. Check to see that everything is level and square. A very slight slope away from the house, 1 inch per 8 feet, is desirable for water drainage. Then, using carriage bolts, bolt the joists to the posts. The posts can be 4x4's if they're no more than 8 feet above ground, although 6x6's look better on any deck over 6 feet above ground. If you're more than 8 feet above ground, you must use 6x6's. You can leave the posts longer than you want for now and cut them off later. The joists must be at least 2x8's, but 2x10's will be a bit less springy. Now you can put in the remaining joists. You can use joist hangers at the ledger board, or toenail the joists right to the ledger board. The other ends can be nailed right through the front joist into the floor joists that are running perpendicular to the front joist and the ledger board. The floor joists should be spaced 16 inches on center, or 12 inches on center if you plan on istalling your flooring at an angle. The hard part is over. Throw whatever you've chosen to use as flooring up there. You can screw the flooring down, or you can use under-deck mounting system so the screws don't show. But the easiest thing to do is to either rent a nail gun, or have children and wait for them to become teenagers. Then start them pounding, or the gun shooting. Have some standard spacer to use between the boards. Some people like very small spaces between the floorboards so they use a 16d nail (that's the one you're using to nail the boards to the joists). Others like a wider space so leaves and twigs can fall through, so they use a scrap of 1/2 inch plywood. Your choice. Don't bother measuring the floor boards, you can just snap a chalk line along the edge of the deck when you're done and cut off the ends of the too-long boards. Lastly, you need a rail. There are about a million styles you can make depending on your skill level, so use your imagination. But remember two things: at no point on the rail should a 6 inch sphere be able to pass through (the Baby Protection Act); and the 4x4 posts that hold up the rails should be bolted with carriage bolts, not just nailed, to the outer joists. Another thing. Most decks are made with pressure treated flooring and rails. This is that gray-green stuff that's been soaking in poisons for who knows how long. The new learning is that the poison does leach out into the soil and onto anyone who touches it. Just the kind of thing I want my kids rolling around on. Needless to say, wood treated with this stuff doesn't rot too easily; what bug would want to eat it? But it's not the flooring and rail that really needs to be rot proof, just the posts and maybe the joists. Cedar, cypress, and redwood are all quite resistant to decay, especially with a little periodic waterproofing. And they all look much better than pressure treated yellow pine, much stronger too. Something to think about. But for a little more money, best thing to use is "plastic" flooring, like Trex, or one of its imitators. It never rots, doesn't require sealing, looks great and doesn't leech out poisons, as far as I know. If you really want to build your own deck, I'd recommend one of the many how-to books on the subject. I've got an old Sunset (or is an Ortho?) book on building decks and it's served me, Mike Hamilton, Marc & Margie Bergsman, and several long departed attorneys well. I strongly recommend you buy one or borrow mine. Oh no! What the hell does "insufficient memory error. Reboot. Changes will not be saved" mean? I guess I know the answer to that rhetorical question. It means to hell with this computer, hand me the IBM Selectric. I'm already 3 days late with this month's garbage, and if I don't get something in pretty quick, Tower Bell kingpins or their cronies will be stopping by to discuss my kneecaps. What's that? There's a faint sound coming out of my cute little speakers. I can just barely make it out...it's...it's...laughter! And so realistic!
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